August 5, 2027. Trump Tower Penthouse.
Present: Eric, Barron, Ivanka and Tiffany.
Via Skype: Don Jr.
Eric “Well, here we are. Free at last. President O’Rourke called me this morning to ask which of us was going to give the eulogy. He said he was unable to find anybody in DC or The Congress willing to talk; so now it is left to us”.
Don Jr. (via skype from Northern Neck Regional Federal Jail in Warsaw, Virginia)
“Imagine that; nobody wanting to share their fond memories of how Donald Trump was responsible for why some of us are working for the government making license plates”.
Eric “Yeah man, last time I saw you, you were looking a little peaked”.
Don Jr. “This ain’t the Mar a Lago, I tell ya”.
Ivanka “Well Don, at least you’re in with a bunch of white folks. Jar is worried that he is gonna get aids because his cellmate refuses to wear a condom”.
Don Jr. “The poor bastard. They knew what they were doing when they sentenced him. Sing Sing; butt-fuck capitol of the universe. Jesus”.
Eric ‘Well, my trial is coming up next month. Maybe we can be cellmates bro’.
Don “I ain’t goin nowhere. When you come down here bring some of that Illy coffee I like. The shit they serve here is worse than the leftover garbage we served the help in The Tower for Christ’s sake”.
Eric “No worries bro. Okay, back to business. Who wants to give a eulogy for the old fucker? Somebody’s GOT to do it if only for the Trump brand. We may be shit in Manhattan but they still love us in Kentucky and Moscow. Chin up”.
Don “Why not call Arpaio or Manafort? They owe big time”.
Eric “Last I heard Paul is in Moscow and Arpaio is in hospice”.
Ivanka “How about Mikey? Didn’t he say he’d take a bullet for dad”?
Eric “Great idea. The first presidential eulogy given by skype; Mike in his orange jump suit down there in the Petersburg federal “Big House”. I love it”.
Barron “Well, from what I heard, those assholes knew what they were getting into; we had no choice. Kind’a hard to run away when you are 12 years old and your fucking father is fucking president of the fucking United States”.
Ivanka “That was smart Barron to go to Stanford getting as far away from the asshole as possible”.
Barron “Not far enough. They all hated me anyway”.
Eric “They ALL hate ALL of us anyway”.
Don “Can we blame them? Our Trump casino in Key Biscayne is now a two-foot wading pool. But climate change is a hoax, right? And we are at war with Iran without a single NATO soldier in the coalition”?
Eric “Some coalition; Saudi Arabia, Hungary, The Philippines and Zanzibar”
Barron “I could never figure out if the guy was just plain stupid or…”
Don “Just plain stupid. Believe me. Probably an IQ in the low 90’s”.
Barron “Well, that helps explain how he would choke on a godam cheeseburger”.
Don “Like with EVERYTHING, the fucker wouldn’t listen to anybody, not even his own doctor. He weighed nearly 300 pounds when he gagged on that burger. Funny EVERYBODY knows the Heimlich but for some reason not a single member of his cabinet remembered that day”.
Eric “Like mom said; it was so Donald to take the easy way out; in two minutes it was all over. The fucker should have had prostate cancer and died a long, painful death”.
Eric “Stupid, stubborn, irascible… and the early-onset dementia didn’t help”.
Barron “I mean, I was just a fucking kid and I could see it clear as day; the guy was retarded; climate, tariffs, nukes, coal, NATO, relationships…he was a fucking idiot”!
Don “Hey guys, I’ve only got fifteen minutes before they cut me off”.
Eric “Right. Okay, I think Barron should give it”.
Barron “Fuck you Ric. He loved pussy so much why not one of the girls. I recommend Vanki since she was his fav”.
Ivanka “Favorite fuck, that’s what. You want I should tell what that miserable bastard did to me for three fucking years! Three fucking years the filthy pig would come in my room and…”
Tiffany “You too Vanki? Jesus you never told me. I always thought I was the only one”.
Ivanka “I’m so sorry Tif. I suspected as much with you but was so busy sneaking around fuck-face GENERAL Kelly, pretending to be his special adviser that I forgot about you; I’m so sorry”.
Tiffany “And then when I went to Penn he even showed up in my dorm room once but I pleaded with my roomies to stick around and finally he left”.
Ivanka “Sick. Pussy-grabbing asshole. Is there a vaccination, anything we can take to get the Trump DNA out of our systems? God knows, I’ve tried soap, enemas and therapy”.
Eric “I hate remind you-all that we are talking about a president of the United States here. Look at all the nice things they said about Nixon and Reagan; can’t we come up with something nice to say? Remember when old man Bush died; it drove dad crazy all the nice things they said about ‘1000 points of light man’”.
Don “He was a pretty good golfer”.
Eric “Is that why he had to cheat”?
Barron “Was he good at ANYTHING”?
Don, Eric, Ivanka and Tiffany “LYING”.
Barron “No wonder mom jumped off the balcony”.
Ivanka “I’m so sorry Bar. You really got screwed”.
Don “We ALL got screwed. Who’s gonna give the fucking eulogy”?
Barron “Hey, why not ask Vlad”.
Eric “And why not hold the fucking funeral in Moscow”!
Tiffany “I got it. Tell Kellyanne to give it. She’s got his DNA all over that slime-ball, cosmet surgery face of hers. Let her do it”.
Don “Great idea. I second it. All in favor say aye”!
Don, Eric, Tiffany, Ivanka and Barron (together) “AYE”!
Eric “Done! I’ll call Beto and let him know. Thanks everybody”.
Eric, Tif, Vanki and Barron “Ciao Don; hang in there buddy”.
Don Jr. “Fuck you too. Love you guys”.